Question: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Answer: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Question: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Answer: Yes, your bladder.

Question: When is the best time to get an epidural?
Answer: Right after you find out your pregnant.

Question: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Answer: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Question: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
Answer: In your breasts.

Question: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Answer: Yes, baby lips.

Question: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
Answer: When you see teeth marks.

Question: Should I have a baby after 35?
Answer: No, 35 children are enough.

Question: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
Answer: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Question: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
Answer: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Question: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Answer: Childbirth.

Question: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Answer: Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Question: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
Answer: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Question: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
Answer: When it’s a girl.

Question: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
Answer: When the kids are in college.